Broadcast news

It’s not often that members of the RTO get asked to perform on television, so when the call came last week – from the Andrew Marr politics show no less – there was great excitement in the ranks. With studio space tight, a representative sample of the orchestra was selected, which meant disappointment for some, but there were no hard feelings. This was a great RTO moment of which everyone could be proud.
Lead by contrabassoonist Alexander McCall Smith, a celebrity the world over (bigger even than Marr himself), the tiny troupe made an early start in front of the cameras, fortified by nothing more than BBC coffee. It is rare for musicians of this calibre to face their public in such a pristine state, and even more unusual for their public, who are accustomed to at least a couple of glasses of wine
With a light dusting of Lancome and no further preamble, the Really Terrible Seven took their places for the warm up. It went rather well. The brass were a little rubbery but there was nothing more challenging than a B flat. As for the strings, they coasted it, perhaps on account of there being no violas in the mix.
Everyone then relaxed and enjoyed the show. What could possibly go wrong? Live television might be daunting for some people but not for the amateur pros of the RTO. Time flew, politicians were wheeled on and off, McCall Smith was hauled back to brighten the tone, and the countdown began.
Five minutes, four…. Ian Rankin, another studio guest, sauntered over. ‘You’ve got to be more terrible,’ he said.
‘Never!’ cried RTO Chairman Peter Stevenson who has made it his life’s ambition to progress to Grade Five clarinet. ‘We will do our best.’
Suddenly, the lights were dazzling, the Seven were hurried to their chairs and Sir Richard, lurking behind the cameras, raised his arm.
‘…it’s called a Lazy Waltz,’ said Marr giving the cue. And that’s when it all went a bit off. Martha nearly knocked over her cello, something she’s never attempted before, and the wind and brass blew it basically. The two violins were fine though.
Afterwards, in the recovery room, the producer said it was great, really er great - she’d only had to cut about four and a half of the five RTO minutes.
For those interested, the results will hopefully appear on this website soon. Truly dedicated fans, however, could always check out the really terrible thing and head to New York. But be quick. At the last count, an unbelievable 930 tickets had been sold for the band’s American debut in the Town Hall. Looks like it’s going to be a sell-out folks!